Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why 98.9% of all YouTube videos are garbage!

What's the fastest way to make your YouTube upload suck? Well, if I could only limit the list to five:

5. Gimmicky transitions.
4. Unreadable or cheesy fonts.
3. Complete disregard for copyright.
2. Crappy Tribute/Slash videos.
1. Using the prepackaged title cards from Windows Movie Maker as is.

Let's take a short, but detailed look at all of them.

5. Gimmicky transitions:
The Simpsons said it best. NO MORE STAR WIPES! For that matter, let's get rid of page wipes, pixelated wipes, sliding wipes, block wipes, any type of wipe. Unless you are Star Wars or some 1980s sitcom, only two transitions really matter: the clean cut and the dissolve. That's it. Anything else and you risk looking like a 12-year-old with too much time on your hands (please see #2).

4. Unreadable or cheesy fonts:
Titles or captions should not be in Curlz, Tempus Sans, or Comic Sans. They should be in a readable text, like Arial or Verdana. That also means your dark-colored title or text should not have a dark-colored background. And I have no idea why the YouTube developers decided annotations were a good idea.

Comic Sans strikes again.

3. Complete disregard for copyrighted music:
Hey, I'm all for public domain or fair use. But at least cite from where you got the copyrighted material. Biggest offenders: home videos that must have Ying Yang Twins accompanying your dog chasing his tail. They both have nothing to do with each other; which brings me to...

2. Crappy Tribute/Slash videos:
If it's been on television, odds are a tribute video exists, regardless of how obscure. Growing Pains? Yep. Family Matters? Covered. Dawson's Creek? Duh. Wuzzles?(Off topic: every person born after 1988 is scratching his or her head right now.) You bet your sweet tail!

Even worse are those videos that hint at some type of sexual relationship, usually between two characters of the same gender. I'm not a homophobe, but yeah, some of these videos exist because homophobes exist. Well, some--like Spock and Kirk--are quite good. Others, not so much. But come on, you know Olivia Benson and Alex Cabot were meant for each other! Elliot who?

You know you want it, Benson.

1. Using the prepackaged title cards from Windows Movie Maker as is:
Oh. My. God. I really don't have any words for this. Wait. Yes, I do. Stop it. At least change the background color from that VHS blue to black or something. And no more double-superimposed titles or spinning newspapers. But seriously, Windows Movie Maker can only take you so far. Buy Final Cut Pro or Avid. If you want to go all out, create your titles with AfterEffects. Or if you are broke, download one of these Ubuntu Linux editors.

Gotta love clich├ęs that are dated even for Windows.

Bonus: Booty clapping videos.
I'm pretty sure this one borders on child pornography. All 14-year-old girls everywhere: this is not cute!

See you in Trig, Becky.

Happy Filmmaking.

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